"This is Lefty Diamond coming to you on the Dugout Sports Network. We are outside the Winter HQ of the OOSL Philadelphia Athletics. It is here that strategies, trades and draft selections for the upcoming season get decided. We are waiting for Owner and General Manager Big Ed Mortimer to come out and speak with us about Philadelphia's chances of capturing a Pennant in 1998. Wait, here he is now."
" Big Ed! Over here Big Ed. Our viewers want to know what you think about Philadelphia's pennant chances now that divisional re-alignment has moved the Athletics from the strongest division in the OOSL American League to what some say is the weakest?"
"Weakest division? Easy title? Son, you don't know what you're talking about! I said, " Listen up, Son." Stop wagging that there cavern of a mouth and let a guy get a word in edgewise. Are ya listening to me, son? I said, "Are ya paying attention to what I'm tryin' to say?" Good. Well, this is how I see it. We got the Tigers of Detroit to worry about. Yes, I know they had a poor showing last season, but it don't make no sense to me. They've got one heck of a team over there. All they gotta do is get their motors started and fly right. I said "Amelia Earhart couldn't go as far as they can!" It's in the history books, son, read about it sometime. Ya gettin' all this son? I said "Do ya understand what I'm tellin' ya?" No, don't write that down, write this down . . . Yes, those Tigers are gonna be in the hunt all year long, mark my words, they've got some hungry hitters over there. They'll be a tough game every game. Don't you go painting them out of the picture before the brush is put to the canvas. Y'see, what I figure is that we need to find oursleves a little more power to compete with those Tigers. Maybe an outfielder with a rifle arm. Y'know the kind I'm talking about, son? Good power, long arm, decent traction so's he can roam all three outfield spots 'cause that's what he'll be doing for us. Didja get all that, son? Well, didja? I'm not goin' too fast for ya now, am I? Then there's those Gray fellas from Homestead, by George! No, not that George, son! He ain't in this League. Ain't room enough for him and me, y'see -- and ya got me! I said "Ya got me! So ya can't have him." Don't write that down, son. He'll come looking for me.
Now where was I? If ya didn't talk so much, son, a guy could get a word in edgewise without losing his place. Ya know what I mean? I said . . . Oh what's the use? Listen up, son. I'm tellin' ya somethin'. Those Homestead Grays are real barn-burners they are, yessiree! Gonna be tough on my catchers all year they will. Gonna be unnerving my pitchers too. Can't have that. I said "Gotta lengthen the basepaths when they come into town!" What's a matter with you, son? Don't ya know base ball? It's the National Past Time! Now, where was I? Those Grays are a mighty good team. They know their fundamentals, and don't make mental mistakes. I said "They know how to play ball!" What's a matter with you, son? Were you a sickly child? Your momma didn't let you outside when you were a wee one? I said "Are ya following me, son?" Or do I have to paint lines in the road and put up signs for ya? I said "If you make one mistake against'em they have the game." That's what I said. Mebbe we need another catcher. Not that our catchers aren't the cream of the crop. Nope, can't complain about our catchers, that's what I say. Y'know what I always say? "Ya can't have too many catchers, son!" Yep, that's what I always say. I was a catcher myself, y'know. Yep. Gotta maybe find a catcher with a slingshot arm to cut those Grays down on the basepaths. Then there's those Toronto players. Yes, that's what I said, son . . . Toronto, like in Canada. Y'know Canada, son? That big country north of here? No, not New York! That's a city, son, I said "Damn those Yankees!" We don't have them in our division anymore, so why are ya bringin'em up? Sure we gotta play those Yanks, but Toronto will be here more. I said "Toronto will be lookin' to pull our wagon!" Why ain't ya listenin' to me, son? Am I goin' too fast for ya? Well, close that mouth of yours, son, and let me get a word in once in a while, willya? I said "Close your mouth. You're letting the flies in." Ya got no sense about these things, son. Just listen to me and I'll tell ya about it. Those Blue Jays don't like us none. They take this personal, y'see, and so do we. Last year they beat up on us bad when we were down. Yes they did. Oh, we got'em back pretty good as the season wore on, after all we got the better team! But they always come in with a taste for our blood. I said "They're vampires, son! Vampires!" We need to have a stopper to put a hold on those teams out for blood. We got one, but we need another to go with him. Y'know what I mean? I said, "You gotta have at least two stoppers in this League." Mighty tough League it is, son. Don't you forget that.
Now where was I? Ya got me all excited. Now, why'dja go an' do that? Didn't I tell ya about my blood pressure? Don't get old, son. I said "They send you to Saint Looie when ya get old. " I said "Saint Looie!" We gotta watch out for Saint Looie too, y'know. They ain't as weak as they make out to be. Those maroons are just hiding in the grass awaitin' for us to wander into town, and then they'll pounce on us, son. I said, "They'll pounce like lions, son " No, not the Detroit Lions, that's foot ball, son. We're playing base ball here. Y'know? Bat and ball, son. Base and ball. What's the matter with you? Must have a college education! Son goes to college for four years and don't even know the Detroit Lions don't play base ball! What am I talkin' to you for? You don't know what I'm sayin'!" There's smoke in the kitchen, but the fire's done gone out. Here's a couple of tickets to Opening Day, son. Do yourself a favor and go see a ball game.
. . . why dat big buffoon . . . I oughta . . . uh . . . I mean . . . Well, there you have it folks -- straight from Big Ed himself. This is Lefty Diamond signing off for the Dugout Sports Network.